Rage of mages 2 windowed12/13/2023 ![]() ![]() Until then, I’m just waiting for the “2-bit Intellivision Classic Edition” to finally come out. Nintendo has since sworn on their own inevitable grave that they’ll get the online multiplayer up and running. Why else should I even play a game if I can’t make total strangers feel terrible for not being perfect at video games? Like what’s the point? Even crappy games like Balloon Fight, Final Fantasy and Castlevania were designed for internet connectivity so that prepubescents can call each other racial slurs and hurl verbal feces, but you simply can’t do that here. The ability to download new games off the internet? Nuh-uh. What’s worse, all of the great features Nintendo promised us are not here. Everything you could want to tell the world you’re a smelly, unwashed hipster are all right here, you corporate cash-piggy. You can open the NES mini up, take out the computer chip, flip it upside down and reinstall it on “track B” to unlock the thirty secret and infinitely better games. Wandering around Metroid and Zelda II for five minutes before shutting it off just so you can say you played them and impress your married-with-children friends? That’ll be 60 bucks.īut what many people don’t know is you’re not stuck with the thirty baby games. People are shelling out their hard earned government cheese for games they’ll never beat. The NES mini is of course famously pre-loaded with the worst games on the system. You know when you’re sitting on the crapper constipated for so long that your thighs, the least atrophied muscles in your body, get their blood circulation cut off? It’s like that. If that piece of styrofoam was filled with the condensed fragment of a dwarf star. I’ve heard it’s as light as a piece of styrofoam. Don’t let those pasty YouTubers with their unboxing vids tell you “Uhhh… Hey guys… uhh… uhm… uhh…” or the pentagenerian poseurs over at IGN inform you that it’s light. Even with the fan, the thing crashes worse than Nascar drivers on National Braille Day. I seared my loins and didn’t even enjoy it. The machine also gets hot really fast, due no doubt to its outdated processor trying to function after its 30th birthday. This is harder than it sounds considering the fan on the back of it is louder than a politician yelling over their confirmation bias applause. You literally have to put the console in your lap in order to play it. Its unrepentant mini-ness extends to its un-extending controller cord, which is exactly as long as is pictured above. It is so tiny in fact that I had to use a pair of tweezers to pick it up between the carpet hairs after dropping it on the floor. Here you can pretend to care about my impressions on the device. So what was a shamelessly embittered person with enough subjective motivation to do another living human being harm really to do but maul the nearest man-baby I could find as he slunk into his low-riding Honda Civic and nab his NES mini for myself? And by the way, that’s not a confession. Violence erupted like so many butthurt college kids. Just one more subtle jab at progressive principles by Nintendo, a company so stuck in the past that they’ve recently reopened a wing in their facility to start developing playing cards for the yakuza again. There were no more NES Classic Editions in the universe. I only ate one whining man-child before it was my turn at securing my man-child machine.īut then the soul-deadened cashier informed the mob with her black, plastic eyes (like a doll’s eye) that the man-child machine was no more. No, they weren’t shouting “hashtag not my el presidente!” They were shouting “hashtag never Nintendo!” Under the garish primary colors of a Toys R’ Us sign, I stood taking in the fragrant aroma of 25-40 year old cold sweat and hair, Starbucks red-cupped coffee, mouth-breathing, and social unrest as I waited my turn. Today I stood in the midst of an angry throng. ![]()
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